Fair
“The hoarders of wealth have destroyed humanity by millions in their quest for greater accumulation” Huey P. Long
Note: While the CFP itself is a farcical process, this article is simply meant for satirical purposes. Please do not take it as the rantings of a mad man looking to blow up the whole system. That was done long ago by the athletic directors, school presidents and NCAA officials.
Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve heard multiple arguments about the Miami/Alabama controversy. Which one should get in? Is 9 wins in the SEC greater than all the wins in the universe? Which is more embarrassing? Losing to Vanderbilt or playing for Mario Cristobal? We’ve heard these and a multitude of other questions asked and opinions given from the likes of Booger McFarland, Paul Finebaum, Pat McAfee and Steven A Smith. I’m sure that Drake and Kendrick Lamar will be reigniting their feud before it is all said and done with. Word is both teams are sending tons of NIL money to Drake to represent them.
But this isn’t new, is it? It’s just another chapter in the stupidity of college football rankings. That stupidity is one of the things that draws so many fans to the sport. We love the controversy and the chaos. We feed off of the arguments and the posturing of coach’s, athletic director’s and super fans that take a break from cooking meth to call in to their favorite radio/tv show. It’s what makes this sport great.
So let’s ruin it. Why have any controversy whatsoever? Let’s allow every team in. Yes, even Florida State. Give every team an opportunity to compete for the National Championship in a monstrous tournament that will in no way cause fans to debate its validity. After all, if everyone is in, how can you argue with the final result?
But how do you arrange such a hideous beast of a bracket? How to determine seedings? The same way as the CFP does now: random analytics (e.g. SPFRE+-), subjective eye tests (e.g. body clocks, head coach’s taste in bar trash), Crystal Chakra Cohesion, injury reports that are never fudged by the program and, of course, bribes. If needed, win/loss total might be taken into account as a tiebreaker.
How long will this Cthulhian tournament take place? We need plenty of time for prognosticators, opinion givers and other smarmy types to tell us what to think about each match up. Thus, let’s have a bye week after each round starting after the second round. That way we can maximize profits while sucking out any actual momentum or consistency from on the field play. Also, 134 teams doesn’t fit into a tidy bracket does it? We need to get the number to 128. That means we need a play-in week! More revenue, baby!! The lowest seeded 12 teams (basically the bottom teams from the MAC, most of CUSA and UMASS) play for the right to get destroyed by the 6 highest valued teams in college football (so basically 4 SEC schools, OSU and Oregon/ND). That gives us 8 total rounds with 5 bye weeks. 13 weeks of playoff football!!! 3 months of homogenized deliciousness.
But there has to be games that lead up to this behemoth. We can’t just let money decide this thing, right? How many contests are necessary to create the veneer of respectability the fans crave?
Well, based on this year’s Gregorian calendar, the season started on August 24 with week 0 and it ends on January 20. That’s 22 weeks, which means we have 9 glorious weeks of traditional regular season football. And since there will be plenty of bye weeks to be had in the playoffs, who needs one in the regular season?! Player safety, you say? These guys are getting NIL money, buddy. They’re set for life, friend. Have teams play an 8 game conference schedule and 1 non conference game against an FBS team. That’s right, no more handouts to those FCS programs. Who cares if they collapse in on themselves like the weak little stars they are?
But what of the Independents? What of Notre Dame? Won’t it be hard to find teams willing to schedule them as their one non conference opponent? Well, they got by just fine with 2 MAC schools and 2 service academies this year. Toss in 4 ACC contests in that conference’s futile and desperate attempts to woo the Irish to join their conference and you’ve got 8 games. Surely a Big 10/SEC/Big12 program will be stupid-I mean brave-enough to schedule Notre Dame. If not, there’s always the soon-to-be revitalized Pac 10/9/12/whatever their number will be.
But that play-in week is going to be shit if its just the 12 worst teams. I know, let’s have those all important but apparently inconsequential conference championships that week. What’s the benefit? How about the winners get guaranteed home games in the first two rounds.
Starting with the 3rd round, let’s have contests played in bowl games. That way we don’t miss out on the Duke’s Mayo bath, the Cheeto shower and the honorary lap dance at the Las Vegas Bowl.
To satiate fans in the bye weeks, you could always have the losers of the previous week play each other. Sure those games are meaningless, but we’ll watch it because it’s football. Players choosing to sit out of those contests? Well that’s already happening. Time to see who the players of the future are.
You might think this whole system is crazy, but you’d watch. No matter how much those who hold power in this beautifully weird sport, you’ll tune in. We’ll all watch and witness this dumpster fire. Because that’s what we do. We’re already doing it.